ONLINE COLUMN

Sam Osherson, PhD
263 Concord Ave. 
Cambridge, MA 02138
www.drsamosh.com

Parents and Children: Getting Past Power Struggles

You don't always have to win as a parent

Never underestimate the importance of saving face for kids of all ages. Try to find ways for children to go along with what you want without leaving them feeling humiliated or too exposed.

Being attentive to the connective yearning of your child underneath the provocative behavior can defuse tension. Sometimes a child's unwillingness to be quiet or settle down has to do with their wish to sit in your lap, or have your attention for awhile, a friendly hand on their shoulder, a word of encouragement. Sometimes, too, it's because they feel unsafe or frightened in some way.

We often get into control battles with our kids when we are rushing or distracted. Stepping back, taking a deep breath, and devoting some time to listening to your child for a few moments may actually save you time in the long run.

Think about your image of authority as a parent. Is it hierarchical or more egalitarian, or a mixture of both? Can you think of relationships with authority figures-at home, at school, at work-that left you feeling good about yourself? What did you hope for from authority figures as a child?

Time outs can be as helpful for parents as for kids-counting to ten, taking a deep breath before speaking (or yelling), making a phone call to a friend. Remember, you have the more difficult task-you're the parent, not them. We need to be calm ourselves during tense moments with our kids.

Breaking rigid internal sets of gestalts is very important when you feel in a power struggle. When you are stuck, try to come at things from a new angle.

Humor and playfulness that is not seen as mocking or shaming can be very helpful during control struggles.

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